So recently, I attended a funeral for a family member. We all know that death brings everyone together, and this person knew half the people on planet earth. I knew about a quarter of the people there, and it became overwhelming real quick. Thought the gummies I took would help some, but no.

We pulled up to the funeral home 30 minutes early, and it was already people gathering. The dread that came over me when the thought of having to interact with them came to mind. Having to answer the questions like, how have you been? Where are you working now? Do you like it? What have you been up to lately? Worse, having to turn around and ask those same questions like I actually care.

It’s not like I don’t care on purpose, it’s just hard for me to do so. Which makes most human interaction to me to be exhausting real quick.

Fast forward, we begin to enter the funeral home, and I stay by the entrance due to how small the venue was compared to the number of people who were there.  I’m going through the countless hellos hugs and handshakes as people come in. Then I saw my childhood abuser come in, and the rush of anger that came over me was too much,I had to step outside. I’m not over it, and I refuse to be over it. First chip to the mask.

Yes, a mask. A mask I have been putting on for years. Some days, I can wear the mask all day, and others, the mask is on a very short time window. This day, the mask crumbled way too early, and in that moment, I realized I would never escape the feeling of being on the outside looking in.

I stay outside for the duration of the funeral with some family members and friends of the family. Everyone comes out afterward and begins to get in different groups. Greeting and talking to one another, and I didn’t know where to be. Every group, I felt like the addition and not a part.

I was ready to go, but I was waiting for my ride at this time. Yes, I could have walked home, which I was close to doing, but I wanted to be “normal” and wait for the people I came with. So I wait and watch how seamless it seems for people to interact with one another. Wishing I could genuinely feel what it feels like to want and enjoy the people that are around you. Wishing it didn’t feel like a task.

I write all this to say…

I understand why I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life.