Imagine this thought with me living your life like an everyday person, but feeling like you’re on the outside looking in anywhere you find yourself. This feeling carries over to your own personal relationships with family and friends, and even the ministry you’re a part of. You do everything to feel apart, but that nagging feeling creeps up on like the due date of a paper you haven’t started. Sad to say this feeling stems from pressing times, and the only thing you can do is learn to live with it. Now logically we understand that we are a part of these things and relationships, but emotionally for me I feel like a window shopper.  

Let’s look at the logic behind this emotion and how truly unlogical it really is, because to feel like you’re not welcomed or window shopping through your life is a bit crazy, insane even. I live with the thought that logically to feel this way makes no sense at all and I should go on and build healthy relationships with those around me. Don’t get me wrong I try and those around me feel some semblance of love radiating off me to show I care, because I do. I tend to find it’s easier for me to communicate with people through entertaining them, but coming off that stage to be a human is still hard to this day and will explain why I lack the ability to really connect with people. So logic only gets me so far, because I lack the emotional knowledge to actually feel what it is to actually care about somebody. 

Emotionally this feeling is hard to live in, because it makes it hard to deal with anyone when this feeling is in heavy rotation. I tend to still feel awkward when I do anything in the eyesight of other people, but I got to live life so I can’t be a hermit crab. Trust is another thing, because I truly don’t trust anyone. How can I possibly connect with people when all I am waiting for is them to prove to me why I should never trust them in the first place? Now I know that we all humans and people are going to disappoint you, so I kind of picked the people I’m willing to be disappointed by around me. I told you that feeling this way is a bit insane, but it’s the only way I can protect myself from any unforeseen added truma.  

  One will ask themselves how can one get to that state of emotion that they can’t even connect emotionally with another human being? Well I can’t speak for everyone else, but for me it was birth around the death of my mother, and being placed somewhere I didn’t want to be. The time in that place forms this feeling and the burden it comes with. Now I do take responsibility for the missed opportunities to get the help I truly needed when I was younger, but I didn’t need any help. I thought I was fine. Now I’m sitting here in my 30’s regretting not getting therapy as soon as I got freed from that place, because every place I don’t want to be at feels like prison now. So my writing became my method of channeling this emotion, because this is not therapy, just a way to keep from tossing a room like I used to. 

I thank God He took away the feeling of suicide from me, because everyday for me is a lonely one, and If I didn’t go to that life group 6 years ago my life would have been eradicated by my own hands. Yes, the door of the shop is always open to me. I know that and I go in and enjoy the time, but that nagging feeling of just being an add on and not a part of the main group continues to creep. Which in turn limits my bar for wanting to be around anybody, that’s why I love the fact I have my own place so I can hide away to fully recharge, but this place is also a reminder of that feeling. So I say this to end this thought that came to mind thank God He took away the feeling of suicide from me.