Let’s get to it now while it’s on my mind, because to be honest I don’t want to speak on it. Now before you start making assumptions of what I’m about to share my feelings on based on the title let me just tell you, but for all those that assumed this was about my father then you’re absolutely right. I would also like to add that this is not about the father I wish I had, because I’m truly over that. This thought popped into my mind and I had to be honest with myself, I don’t love him and I have all right to feel that way. Also on that same thought I want him in my life.

It’s crazy to think about it because a normal person would disagree with having someone around them that they don’t love. This is my father though, and my only living parent so it would be nice to build a relationship with him. Get to know him as a person now and not so much as a father being the fact that we both missed out on that opportunity. So the fact I don’t love my father makes more sense to attempt to build some semblance of a relationship with him. To be able to say yeah I talked to my father today whenever someone asks.  

Building that bridge will possibly open the bridge to the siblings that I never was introduced to before, but heard of. Being the only child and knowing that you are the only child for 15 years before you get told by your grandma you have siblings and I’m the oldest is kind of shocking. For a long time I didn’t want to meet them, but when God puts it in your heart to forgive you have to forgive. 

I want to speak on forgiving my father, because after my mother passed I started to grow this hatred for him that was fueled  by pressing times. For a long time I felt that the wrong parent died and wanted to cause harm to him the next time I showed him. Well next time did finally come and I was giving him a hug instead, and enjoying a church service with him. Sad to say that was the last time I saw him and that was about 5 years ago.

It’s hard to actually love someone you barely know, and it’s sad to say that I don’t know my own father, which makes loving him right now hard. Maybe I will never love him, but how am I supposed to know if I can’t get the opportunity to build a relationship with him. The fact that I have to be the one to reach out is hard for me, and I actually was trying and then I hit a bump in the road. I hope one day we will cross paths one day again and be able to have that opportunity.